Friday, July 20, 2012

A day in a Diary

Tue, 21 Mar: This is one of those days where you feel the whole world conspires to ensure you remain bogged down.

After 8 days of sobbing over Ted and not leaving my room I had finally mustered the courage to go to office and face my colleagues. Ted was the most difficult person to face but even though I am weak, I did go to office. When I entered it was with my head held high. The 8 day break had sobered me up. I knew I had to put everything behind me and get on with work. Trust me, I had done my best and had wanted to put my best foot forward. But as I entered my office, I saw people glaring at me and staring at me and mocking me. Their face had that look where you try to control your grin when someone trips on a banana skin and makes a fool of themselves.I instantly realized that people had been talking behind my back and most possibly making fun of me. But as I told you before, I was planning to put my best foot forward. I just tried to shake off the  feeling of foreboding and  humiliation that was engulfing me by brushing off the stares and the glares as mere office gossip. I just kept walking until I reached my cubicle.

I knew office work would prove to be a good distraction so I started organizing my pending work. Heartbreak, it seemed, was not a good enough reason to take a long break. Some people wanted to prove that point by giving me more work than necessary. But I did not mind. More work meant less thoughts of Ted. And so I got about my work. I prepared a report diligently for 3 hours but I reached a point where I just could not go on. I just had to see Ted. I was trying to convince myself that I had stopped loving Ted but it wasn't that easy. I had really loved him. Sincerely. Fine, he did not love me in return but we did share some special moments. How was I supposed to forget all that. These were the thoughts that were going on in my head at that time. So I decided to take a 10 minute break and just go to the floor where Ted generally hung out. The coffee floor. I would just pretend that I was dropping in to have a cup of coffee. And if I was lucky I would see Ted and maybe even say hi to him politely. I had made up my mind I would be extra civil to Ted. And make sure he did not realize how much the break-up had affected me.

I took the lift to the coffee shop and there he was surrounded by a couple of his guy friends. He did not seem sad by any stretch of imagination. That was the first thing I noticed. Infact he seemed to be having a jolly good time. He was being really witty and humourous and was making his friends laugh heartily.

Ted''s back was towards me and so he could not see me when I took a few steps towards him. When I came within earshot I suddenly realized I was the topic of conversation. "And she was wailing like a Banshee 'But Ted what will I ever do without you. You completed me. Please don't leave me. I love you.' And I was thinking to myself 'Ted, you really have to get rid of her. She is so clingy. The melodrama and the soap opera seems interesting for a while but after a point of time you feel like saying CUT THE CRAP"

Each sentence that he was saying was hitting me like a slap. Their laughter was nauseating me. I could not breathe. I knew I would fall if I did not lean against the wall. I felt like letting out a scream but the comparison with the Banshee was stuck in my head. The way he had mimicked me. All of a sudden, I realized the reason for the stares and the glares. It was not mere office gossip. It was something really disgusting.

I desperately tried to control my tears and almost ran to the restroom where I burst out crying immediately. It does not feel good to write all this. But I cant help it. Nobody else cares to listen and I cant suppress it anymore...