Golden Girl

There was a palpable sense of excitement in the air as nervous enthusiasm intermingled with pulsating energy. It was the first day of college at Carmel College of Arts & Commerce; the most elite, prestigious and renowned undergraduate college in Mumbai. It was no easy task to gain entrance to this college. Students had to be exceptional in one way or the other to make it to the hallowed grounds. Most students had made it on the merit of academic scholarship and there were others who made it on the basis of their accomplishments in sports, dramatics, music and other spheres of life. 

The first year students were the most nervous lot. Even though Carmel College was too cultured to tolerate excessive ragging, many students were tensed about fitting in with their peers and their seniors. Everyone had a similar aim which was to be accepted, make good friends and be popular. Many of the first years were also excited because it would be the first time they would experience a co-ed atmosphere. The St. Mary’s Convent for Girls and St Anthony’s school for Boys supplied the bulk of students to Carmel mainly due to the emphasis on discipline.

All the students had gathered around in a massive Gathering Hall to hear the commencement speech which was to be given by Prof. Raj Khosla, the Principal of the college. At first glance, the first year students were enamoured by the charismatic personality and the elegant poise with which the Professor carried himself. To the delight of the first year students, Prof. Khosla made it very clear that Carmel College focused on developing a well rounded personality of its students. Unlike other colleges which excessively focused on academics and made life miserable for students, Carmel Philosophy incorporated a holistic approach. Extra-curricular activities were as important as studies in building the foundations for success in later life. The second and third year students vehemently nodded in unison to show their agreement while the first years were bursting into wide grins. They could not have expected a better first day!

Among the first year students, four childhood friends had already formed a small group at the back. There were high fives and fist pumps all around in the group at the announcement given by Prof. Khosla. The four friends Sunehri Malhotra, Ambuj Kothari, Farah Tyrewala, and Junaid Khan had grown up together in the same apartment complex in Bandra. There was no doubt that Sunehri was the magnetic centre of attraction within the group. She was the glue that kept the four together. There was just something fascinating about Sunehri.

There was a hypnotic quality in Sunehri’s eyes that would mesmerize people around her. Many boys in her colony had tried their luck in initiating romance with Sunehri but other than Ambuj, she never had a deep enough connection with any other boy. Though she could make friends with any boy or girl in an instant, serious romance was something that eluded her. She had a long list of boys who had been friend-zoned but that did not stop the boys to constantly vie for her attention. It was as if a smile from her face would light up their whole day. There was a majestic magnificence radiating from her inner being.

Junaid and Farah had decided that they were the one for each other ever since they were fifteen years old. Everyone in their apartment and even people in their colony were aware that they were a couple. Farah’s parents knew too and they completely approved the relationship as they liked Junaid a lot. Yet Farah’s Ammi was slightly traditional and expected Farah to follow some rules. No more than hand holding was allowed till they were 21 and if ever Junaid tried to kiss Farah’s cheeks she was to immediately bring it to the notice of her Ammi and Abbu. Boys of Junaid’s age need to be kept in a tight leash lest they assert themselves too much, she warned. Farah put on her most angelic expression and assured her Ammi Jaan that she will maintain all propriety by keeping Junaid in check.

It is the irony of contemporary era in New India that parents are innocent and gullible while their children are street smart and cunning. Farah’s Ammi would have been distraught if she ever discovered that Farah was the assertive partner in the relationship while Junaid was coy and docile. When Junaid was too hesitant to make the move towards their first kiss at their apartment’s terrace, it was Farah who warned Junaid to stop doing time pass as she did not have the whole day. Get on with the business, her dancing eyes were expressing and make sure it’s memorable. Junaid did as he was told with the thought that their first kiss better be special if he ever hoped to win Farah’s heart for good.

Sunehri, on the other hand, tried to make up for her lack of real romantic adventures with a vivid imagination. When she would get too bored of studies, her mind would drift off into a pleasurable day-dream about Ambuj. She would imagine that they were the only two survivors stranded on a desert island. Ambuj would lift Sunehri with his muscular arms when she would be too tired to walk and take her to a cozy fire-lit corner where they would make out gloriously. Other times she would imagine that the two are travelling the world in a cruise ship having amazing conversations with interesting people from around the world. 

Yet, she would wonder why she and Ambuj had not seamlessly intertwined as a couple just like Farah and Junaid. It was obvious that Ambuj cared for her the most and made her laugh all the time. Many times, Sunehri was plagued with self doubt that maybe she was not as attractive as she believed she was. Maybe the mirror was a lie, reflecting a different picture which did not match true reality. But there was always a hope inside her, alive and kicking, regarding Ambuj. Maybe Ambuj did not prefer displaying affection as easily as she did.

On the first day of college, the gang of four was lucky to be placed in the same section, which was section C.  Harshad, who was well known to the gang as a lighthearted prankster who always had a trick up his sleeves, had colorfully named the class as ‘Sec C Stallions’ winking naughtily while emphasizing the words ‘Sec C’. Harshad’s announcement met with wild approval from all his classmates. 

The junior class was happy that the first week of college had a light schedule so that students had time to orient themselves. The college seniors had arranged for an icebreaking session at the college auditorium where all juniors would introduce themselves and say something interesting which would strike a chord with the seniors. It was in this icebreaking session that Ambuj first noticed Shlok Mehta and excitedly pointed him out to the rest of the gang.

Shlok had already developed a reputation in school as a ‘Heartbreak Kid’. His extra-ordinary good looks and athletic personality had girls swooning left, right and centre. The fact that his father was a big time Real Estate tycoon immensely added to his charm. He was an intense loner who hardly hung out in groups and he only travelled in a chauffeur driven Mercedes during day time and rode a Hayabusa superbike by himself during night. He was also a champion football player who had helped St Anthony’s win the inter-school trophy. As soon as he entered the auditorium where the orientation was taking place, time seem to have paused to allow everyone to soak in the sight of Shlok. Even the seniors were impressed by the assured ease with which Shlok carried himself as if he was a royal prince who deserved all the attention showered on him. 

Most of the girls at St Mary’s school had heard about Shlok and his reputation but seeing him in person was even more enthralling. There was intensity in his aloofness which went well with his personality. Junaid felt a pang of unease as he saw Farah ogle at Shlok. Sunehri could not suppress her giggles at the sight of Junaid’s visible discomfort. Sunehri found his attempts at hiding his jealousy cute and funny. It seemed only Sunehri was immune to the immense charm of Shlok. Hmmpf, what was so special about Shlok she could not imagine. She thought he had an oafish expression as if he had just been struck in his head with something heavy. She thought Ambuj would be pleased to see Sunehri’s complete lack of interest in Shlok but Ambuj himself was too busy being mesmerized by Shlok as if he was a celebrity film star. 

She looked around to see who else was as uninterested as her and was happy to notice that the boy sitting right next to her seemed to take no interest in being a part of Shlok’s fan club. She caught his eyes and was startled to see a shining gleam in his eyes. He introduced himself as Nayan Lakhanpal, who had come all the way from Lucknow to study at the esteemed Carmel College. He shared to Sunehri that he was nervous at the prospect of talking in English in front of such a huge audience as his English was weak. Sunehri was touched by his polite demeanor and shyness and tried to make him feel better. “Arre don’t worry; just speak in Hindi if that makes you comfortable. We are a chill crowd you know. We don’t judge like that”. That brought a smile to Nayan’s face and immediately decreased his anxiety.

When Nayan’s turn came he conversed confidently in Hindi and explained that he was a Poet and Musician with a ‘Sufiana Andaaz’. He even sang a couple of lines from his own poetry which was a hit with the audience. When he got back to his seat, he clasped Sunehri’s hand gratefully and thanked her profusely for making him feel at ease. Sunehri instinctively developed a liking for this old school kid who looked wise beyond his age. She immediately introduced him to the rest of the gang who welcomed him warmly.

Sunehri had a fondness for standup comedy and when her time came to introduce herself she gamely entertained the crowd with a couple of jokes that she had created herself. But the crowd was too busy appreciating her enchanting beauty and hardly paid attention to her words. She got a raucous applause from the audience more for her personality than for her jokes. She had particularly created a great impression on Shlok, the only person she had managed to dislike so far. Shlok could not take his eyes off Sunehri even after she had resumed her seat. Sunehri’s beauty was unmatched and there was a depth in her personality that he had never seen before. Farah had observed that Shlok kept craning his neck back towards where Sunehri was seated. When she shared her observation, Sunehri replied “That mannerless, uncouth oaf can go to hell for all I care”. The next time Shlok craned his neck, Sunehri squinted both her eyes and stuck her tongue out and gave him a scorching go away look. 

But that was not enough to shake Shlok off her tail. He approached her after the session and gave her a friendly smile and tried to strike a conversation. Sunehri saw a group of junior girls who were already star-struck by Shlok and were looking at Sunehri with venomous envy for catching Shlok’s fancy. Sunehri tried to shoo Shlok away but he was not to be deterred. He was used to winning, and winning easily. 

“Have you heard about the ‘Mr and Miss Junior’ pageant that the seniors are conducting?” Shlok said hoping for a long conversation. “Of course I have. Who hasn’t” Sunehri interjected rudely. “Well, they don’t need to take the trouble. They should just hand over the prize to us right away” Shlok replied. “Don’t be so cocky, Mr. Shlok Mehta. There are far better deserving people than you”. “Who is it Miss Sunehri Malhotra? Can you name even one?” 

“Ambuj! He is way more beautiful as a person than you can ever be” Sunehri instantly replied. Sunehri realized that she was being more rude than necessary but she could not help it. Something about Shlok repulsed her. Yet, the more caustic Sunehri was the more interested Shlok became in her. Here, finally he had found a worthy girl who was not so easy to catch. He loved the prospect of wooing a girl and winning her affections.

“So do you think you are dating Ambuj?” Shlok asked while making an unbelieving face. “Yes, I am!” Sunehri replied proudly and vehemently. “But you are not his type Sunehri. I went to school with him, so I know. Oh, you are so clueless, sweetheart. Catch you later” Shlok took his leave with this cryptic remark. Sunehri was shocked by what she had heard. He had caught her weak point and pinched her where it hurts the most. Her relationship with Ambuj was not progressing beyond a point and Shlok had sensed it somehow. His mocking words were ringing in her ears which prompted her to run towards the canteen where Ambuj was hanging out with the rest of the gang eating pakodas along with a steaming cup of chai. “Ambuj, I need to talk to you alone” She remarked urgently. Ambuj knew that it was no use to argue with Sunehri when she was in such mood.

Sunehri took Ambuj by his hands and placed him in an empty classroom. She immediately confronted him about what Shlok had said. Ambuj bowed his head and replied “I owe you an explanation, Sunehri. You mean the world to me; I can do anything for you. But it’s true. You are not my type. I did not mean to lead you on, but you took this romantic fancy towards me and just ran away with it before I could explain”

“What do you mean that I am not your type? What the heck do you mean Ambuj? Am I not beautiful enough for you or not smart enough?” Sunehri began to sob. She did not cry easily but now the dam was bursting and overflowing. Ambuj wrapped her in his arms and consoled her “It’s not like that, Sunehri. You are really amazing. It’s just that.. It’s just that I prefer boys. But please, please keep this to yourself. There are many people in this world who are yet to get out of medieval age. You have no idea how regressive people can be” 

“What!” Sunehri exclaimed. “How did I never realize this? We hung out with each other all the time. You could have told me at least. Don’t you trust me?” For the first time ever there was bitterness in her voice when speaking to Ambuj. She had placed him in a pedestal and had imagined a future with him in such intricate detail. But all of that came crashing down right in front of her. Now it was Ambuj’s turn to break down “You have no idea what I have gone through Sunehri. My family is not liberal like yours. They will never accept me for who I am. Do you know how I felt, when my own parents reject people like me as freaks, as disgusting creatures who should be jailed? You were the only person I wanted to talk to but you complicated things by falling in love with me.  You are my best friend and yet I could not talk to you, just because I knew you would get hysterical.  Please try to understand. I have enough on my plate and have suffered enough by keeping this bottled up inside. I cannot reciprocate your love but I do genuinely believe we are besties forever. Right?” 

Sunehri melted completely at this outpouring of emotions by Ambuj “I am so sorry for shouting Ambuj. Please forgive me. Your pain is much greater than mine. Of course we are besties forever. I always wanted a gay bestie and I had one right under my nose! You are really cool Ambuj. I am sure your parents will understand. Give them some time, they will eventually grow up and get matured enough to accept you.” She hugged Ambuj with all her might as tears rolled down both their eyes. “But tell me one thing Ambuj; how the fish did Shlok know about you. Is he actually smarter than he seems?” Ambuj looked a little embarrassed and his cheeks were getting rosier by the second “Actually, I have been crushing on him since forever. He must have noticed. Now stop crying silly. Let’s go, Farah and Junaid are waiting for us” he started to leave, wiping his own tears with a kerchief. “You carry on, Ambuj. I need some alone time right now” replied Sunehri

Sunehri had shown a brave face when Ambuj was around, but as soon as Ambuj left, she completely broke down. Sunehri was a person who felt things deeply and intensely. When she loved, she did it completely and her love poured from every cell in her body. The shock that Ambuj did not feel the same way towards her was too much for her to handle. As she sat crying alone in the empty classroom, Nayan Lakhanpal noticed her while passing the corridors.

“Sunehriji, what happened? You looked so happy just like an hour back. Is everything alright?” Nayan asked. “Nothing happened, Nayan. I just realized that the one love of my life, the perfect one, does not love me. It was just a stupid one sided love affair from my side. It was all an illusion.” “So what Sunehriji, the whole world is your oyster!” Nayan replied dramatically.  “When one door closes, another door opens! So please stop this ‘Dil ke armaan aasuyo main behe gaye’ and smile! This outdated tragic queen look does not suit you. Smile please. It’s really simple Sunehriji. Just widen your lips and show your teeth. Like this” That managed to crack Sunehri up as Nayan clownishly smiled and tried to show all his 32 teeth. 

“I will smile only if you stop adding ji-ji in the end. Just call me Sunehri” She replied wiping her tears with her kerchief. “You need more than one kerchief. Here, borrow mine too” said Nayan and like a magician removed a kerchief from Sunehri’s ears.  Sunehri was smiling more widely now. “Thanks for cheering me up Nayan” “Please do not thank me Sunehri, you cheered me up at the audi and I returned the favour in this empty classroom. Hisaab Baraabar” There was a roguish charm about Nayan that could improve the spirits of the dourest and sourest individual. Sunehri, the born optimist stood no chance. She immediately felt a lot better and clasped Nayan’s hand in gratitude just like he had in the auditorium. Along with their hands, their eyes connected and it gave birth to Nayan’s great love for Sunehri.

If Nayan was asked subsequently when did he fall in love for the first time in his life, he would reply that it was the exact moment when Sunehri clasped his hands. It felt like a great opening up of his heart, as if someone had showed him a treasure chest of emotions for the first time. Sunehri was the golden key that could unlock pathways to feelings he never knew even existed. Once again Sunehri noticed a diamond like gleam in Nayan’s eyes. She could not help remarking “Your eyes shine a lot, Nayan.” Unfortunately, as soon as Nayan fell in love he suddenly started feeling tongue tied. The emotions and feelings whirling inside were so overwhelming that he could no longer produce coherent speech. “Th-thanks” he stammered awkwardly and abruptly left the classroom and ran away from the person who could create such intense turmoil inside.

Sunehri felt a lot better as she got up to leave the empty classroom. Nayan’s charm had done the trick. It felt like a great burden had been removed from her chest. The symptoms of shock still existed but it was much more tolerable after Nayan’s cheering up session. Yes, there is so much to look forward to. For example, the ‘Mr and Miss Junior’ title was up for grabs and Sunehri would be out of the reckoning if she showed the attitude of someone who had just come back from a funeral. The pageant was a week away and she could win it if she played her cards right. There were three rounds. The Costume Party where you could dress up as anyone or anything, the talent round and finally the ramp walk.

The winners, ‘Mr and Miss Junior’ would get to perform a bollywood style dance as a tribute to the cult movie DDLJ and its video would be uploaded in social media. As the college placed a lot of emphasis on art, significant budget and talented seniors would be at disposal to work on the project. Sunehri had always dreamed of performing to a throwback themed bollywood dance and did not want to lose this golden opportunity. Being busy would also help her in getting over the pain of love failure. She prepared a plan to ensure her win.

As expected, Shlok and Sunehri emerged as winners of the pageant. But there were other highlights too. Harshad, the college clown, had come in his underpants with just a few leaves covering his private parts. Eventually, the Principal had to intervene as even parents had come to watch the pageant. Harshad protested that he was wearing the costume of Tarzan and should be permitted his costume. Only when Principal Khosla threatened Rustication, did Harshad back down “Take a chill pill sir, you don’t need to use the R-Word so easily.” he muttered under his breath. Nayan participated too and managed to dazzle the audience with a beautiful piece of guitar work in the talent round. Farah won the Miss Congeniality contest and Junaid seemed more proud of it than even Farah herself. “Hey, Farah is my girlfriend by the way” he would tell with a huge grin to anyone who would care to listen.

Sunehri was going through bittersweet emotions once she was announced the ‘Miss Junior of Carmel College’. The rapturous applause from the audience gave her an adrenaline rush that she would remember for a long time. The prospect of the video performance was also something to look forward to. The only dark cloud interloping the glorious sunshine was the fact that she would have to perform with Shlok. It was told to all pageant participants beforehand that the dance performance would include an intimate romantic scene where the winners would kiss at the end of the video. The very idea of kissing Shlok brought a pukish sensation in her stomach. She had never really kissed anyone before. She had managed to peck Ambuj on the lips once but that no longer counted in hindsight. It was as if life was turning out to be a tragicomic parody with every passing moment. Her first kiss, the moment that had previously filled her with such delicious anticipation, was turning out to be a dud moment as it would be with Shlok. She would rather kiss a pig happily if it meant she would not have to kiss Shlok. 

The verdant environment of the college park was chosen as the setting for the shooting of the video. When the shooting started, Shlok looked like a man on a mission. Sunehri had to admit that Shlok was a superb dancer. Why does he have to be such an all-rounder? She wondered to herself. After the scene was over, Shlok came eagerly towards Sunehri hoping for words of approval. In spite of her aversion to Shlok, it brought a smile on her face. Shlok’s expression reminded her of a street dog hoping for biscuits from passersby. “You are just an average dancer Shlok, there is a huge scope for improvement” she remarked. 

When have I learnt to lie through my teeth? She thought to herself.  The fact that Sunehri had smiled was something that Shlok had observed like a hawk. Keep smiling you beautiful angel, he thought to himself. 

Finally, the moment that Sunehri was dreading was about to arrive, the kissing scene. Sunehri almost wanted to back out of the project but decided to stay seeing the hard work everyone had put on the project. On the other hand, the kissing scene was the moment that Shlok was waiting for the most. He could not stop smiling and seemed to be in the best of spirits. 

“Eh, Chipku” Sunehri muttered to Shlok as they stood facing each other “As soon as you hear ‘Cut’, you back off alright, or else get ready for a nasty kick in your groin” she whispered threateningly. “Of course, my good lady” Shlok replied, bowing his head and tipping a pretend hat in a mock gentlemanly manner. 

And Actionnnnn! Shlok began to kiss Sunehri, and before Sunehri could realize what was happening, wonderful music started to play in her mind. Neither of them heard the cut signal which the director shouted thrice before giving up to watch them kiss, the director could no longer bear to interrupt something this beautiful. Everyone who was present could not help but gape in amazement at what they were witnessing. It was truly a magical moment which uplifted the spirits of everyone watching. Sunehri and Shlok had seemingly melted into each other and kissed for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, the kiss ended only when Sunehri lost her balance and fell on the floor as her knees collapsed with pleasure. 

Nothing had prepared Sunehri for this experience; the sensual delights that erupted inside her as their lips converged, the intoxicating rhythm of the music in her head, the soft delicate movements of Shlok’s tongue merging with the movements of her own inexperienced tongue. Shlok too had lost his footing and looked dazed but he was aware enough to offer his hands to pick Sunehri up. Extremely embarrassed, Sunehri fled from the scene as fast as she could.

Sunehri could not make sense of what had just happened. All she knew was that she had just experienced paradise. As she sat in the taxi which was carrying her back home, she suddenly remembered the words of Nayan “When one door closes, another door opens”. Even in her wildest imagination, Sunehri had not contemplated even for a second that Shlok would be the one who would open the doors! The doors of love; it was love which was flowing within her with an unbridled passion, for the one who had opened the doors. 

She felt an inexplicable longing for Shlok with an intensity that took her by surprise. She tried to recall the minutest details of what she had gone through during the kiss. All the prior dislike she felt for Shlok was a relic of a distant past and even seemed silly in retrospect. All she could now remember was the surreal journey that Shlok had led her towards. The kiss had changed everything. It was something more than just sensual or erotic. The experience with Shlok had touched the deepest core of her soul.

“Calm down, young woman. Relax. Take a deep breath and get back to reality.” A calm voice had emerged inside Sunehri’s head. “It’s just a kiss. No big deal”. A part of her, the emotional one, wanted to keep going back to the moment of the kiss; while the logical part of her kept trying to steer her away from it. For the time being, logic prevailed as she was just about to enter her flat. She could not afford to look like she was high on drugs in front of her parents. She had never taken drugs before but she now had an idea what it felt like.

The next day as Sunehri woke up; she could not wait to go to college. To meet up with Shlok and talk to him about the previous evening’s experience. She now understood why so many people went gaga about Shlok. Sunehri felt a glow of happiness as everything around her seemed more beautiful and colourful. Her heart was beating faster and she felt the proverbial butterflies in her stomach. As she waited for him near the college entrance, she was counting the minutes and even the seconds as any moment, Shlok would arrive to college. And there he was; he had arrived. She flashed the brightest smile that her face could offer as he walked towards her. Shlok acknowledged her with a curt nod and walked past her as if she was just another member of his fan club. “Hold on Shlok, wait. We need to talk” she shouted. Sunehri half expected Shlok to keep walking away and ignore her. But Shlok hesitated and walked back reluctantly towards her.

Sunehri had by now realized that they were operating on two different wavelengths. The roles had been reversed. She was no longer pursued by him. “Yeah, so about yesterday” Shlok drawled to Sunehri as if he really wanted to be somewhere else. “Whatever it was that happened between the two of us, just forget about it alright Sunehri”. “Forget about it? What do you mean forget about it? Don’t you want to at least talk about it?” Sunehri tried not to sound pleading. She was stronger than that. “There is nothing to discuss about Sunehri. The shoot is over. Everything is over. Please do not pursue me like the others. I have better things to do than indulge in a romance.”

“Why are you acting like this Shlok, this sudden change towards me?” Sunehri said, trying to keep her out of control emotions in check. “Is it because the thrill is in the chase? Now that the chase is over, there is no thrill. Is that what you seek, Shlok? You chase me as long as I am not interested and as soon as I do get interested, you begin to ignore me. So, all I am is just another notch in your belt, right?” 

“That’s right, Sunehri. As soon as you flashed that smile today, you became boring. As you said, the thrill is in the chase. So as this chase is now officially over, please do not bother me again”

 “But Shlok, what about the kiss? Did it mean nothing to you? Answer this one last thing and I will never bother you again?” Sunehri hated the sound of pleading in her voice. She was now on the verge of crying but she willed herself to not cry. Shlok could not be allowed to break her. She was raised better than that.

Shlok hesitated before answering. He found it difficult to look her in the eye but finally managed to maintain eye contact. “I will be honest with you Sunehri. I was being mean to you on purpose right now, but even I am emotionally impacted as much as you are. Just like you, the kiss shook me to the core. I could not sleep the whole night. Yesterday, for the first time in my life I felt I am in love. You managed to penetrate all my defenses and made me vulnerable. But I do not want to feel vulnerable or fragile. Not know. Not ever. I do not allow anyone to get too close to me. My life is not a fairy tale like how others believe it to be. My parents are separating. My life is a mess and love will only make it messier. I just want to be left alone as I always have been all my life. Stay away from me Sunehri. You deserve better than me. And I deserve to be alone” Shlok gave her one last look of longing and started to leave.

Sunehri could not believe what was happening. No one deserved to be alone, especially someone like Shlok who was too complex for his own good. She could not allow him to leave a good thing that was beginning to develop between them. She tried to stop him. “Don’t walk away Shlok. I am giving you one last chance. If you walk away, you lose me forever. And remember, I am the one person who sees you for who you are beyond your looks, body or wealth. And even though you are the weirdest person I have ever met, I like you for who you really are” 

“I like you too. In fact, I love you. But love is the one thing that scares me the most. It’s better for both of us if I walk away. Goodbye Sunehri”. And he walked away. Because he truly believed that he deserved to be alone and unloved. Sunehri bowed her head down in sorrow. In a strange way, she understood why Shlok had walked away. She wished he had stayed and allowed love to take its course. But in Shlok’s complicated mind, love was much more dangerous than loneliness. In his own weird way, giving up on love was his path to liberation.

Sunehri shrugged her shoulders and proceeded towards her class to meet her friends. The gang of four had been extended to five with the inclusion of Nayan who had finally regained speech in front of Sunehri. Her friends began to notice a change in Sunehri as she had become quieter and paler after Shlok had walked away. Concerned by the change, Nayan and Ambuj went to meet Sunehri at her home late in the evening. Sunehri’s mother was also worried as Sunehri had completely lost her appetite. When Sunehri again refused to eat when her friends came to visit, Nayan took matters in his own hands by feeding her Roti Sabzi himself. As usual, it was difficult for Sunehri to refuse Nayan when he turned on his charm. To make Sunehri feel better, Ambuj suggested that they visit a nightclub and dance away her sorrows as she was really fond of dancing and music. Sunehri initially refused, but she reluctantly agreed when Ambuj and Nayan insisted.

As soon as they entered the nightclub, Ambuj handed Sunehri a glass of wine. “Cheer up girl. Here, this will help raise your spirits” he told her with a wink. Sunehri immediately started feeling better after a drink and in spite of everything, her mood was improving. She started swaying to the groovy tunes that was being played by the DJ. She instantly became the center of attraction as she was a very talented dancer. She had an innate grasp of music and dancing came very naturally to her. After the party was over, Sunehri felt lucky to have friends who cared.

Seeing Sunehri’s interest in music, Nayan began to share with her the music he had composed and asked her feedback. The lyrics of his songs had a common theme; it was about the poet’s great love for his ‘Mashooqa’. But his beloved who was unaware of the poet’s love had fallen in love with someone else. All the lines flowed from Nayan’s heart and soul as the lyrics were inspired by the feelings that Sunehri generated in him. But when he was questioned about his Mashooqa, Nayan pretended she lived in Lucknow and refused to share her name or details. One evening, he suggested to Sunehri that she sing the lyrics that were to be delivered by the Mashooqa in the poem. She was hesitant as she had no prior experience in singing but as usual, Nayan managed to cajole and convince her to sing.

When Sunehri started singing, Nayan was blown away by the quality of Sunehri’s voice. Even though her voice was untrained it was incredibly melodious. Nayan had been looking for the right ingredient to complete his songs. Now his songs felt complete. “You are a freaking sensation Sunehri. Where were you hiding that voice all along?” Sunehri immediately brightened up after hearing the pleasant compliments.  After Shlok, she was beginning to go into a shell but it was Nayan and his music which was bringing her out of it. 

Even Sunehri was impressed with how the songs were turning out. She decided that they were good enough to be recorded in a music studio and then released on social media. Nayan and Sunehri shared the studio expenses and worked on fine-tuning their songs. Sunehri suggested that only the audio should be released as making a video would be too cumbersome. But Nayan was vehement that they should make the video too. “Sunehri, why waste the immense beauty that God has gifted to you. We have to capture it on video”. Sunehri felt herself blushing.

A total of six songs had been composed and recorded as audio, out of which the best one had been made into a video with Sunehri starring in it. Ambuj and Junaid who were handy with camerawork and Farah who was good at Editing contributed to the video-making process. The gang was hopeful that it would be well received by the public. They had put their heart and soul in making the video.

After a hard day’s work of recording, shooting and editing; Sunehri and Nayan were spending some time in the canteen and enjoying a well deserved break. The two had gotten closer over time, and a deep friendship was developing between them. Sunehri felt a powerful feeling stirring within when she was around Nayan but it was a feeling she was not ready to acknowledge. Sunehri knew how deeply Nayan felt for his ‘Mashooqa’ and did not want to trespass on Nayan’s emotions. Sunehri decided that she wanted to know more of this mysterious ‘Mashooqa’ who was the source of such brilliance in Nayan and inspired such beautiful creation of music. 

Nayan smiled at the paradox, Sunehri wanting to know about ‘Mashooqa’! How he wished to bare his heart out and proclaim the deep emotions that he felt for Sunehri.  He wanted to explain to her about how he felt more alive, energetic and happy whenever he was around Sunehri. That ‘Mashooqa’ was none other than Sunehri. But as luck would have it, Nayan suffered from a profound sense of self-doubt. He felt deep inside that he was not good enough for Sunehri, that she was too good for him. She was too beautiful, too intelligent and too classy for him. And now Sunehri wanted to know more about his ‘Mashooqa’.

What could Nayan say? He began describing the qualities of Sunehri to Sunehri herself. The more Nayan described his Mashooqa, the more despondent Sunehri became. “I wish someone loved me as much as you love your Mashooqa, Nayan. But all I have in my destiny is rejection and abandonment. I have such an infinite capacity to love but no one wants to like me, let alone love me. Your Mashooqa is lucky that someone has such intense emotions for her”. It was at that moment that Nayan decided that he would reveal his feelings for Sunehri. He was sure that Sunehri would be delighted to know that she was the very ‘Mashooqa’ whom she envied so much. He did not mind getting rejected as long as it brought a smile to Sunehri’s face. 

But just as Nayan was about to reveal the true nature of ‘Mashooqa’, they were joined by the rest of the gang and Nayan lost his opportunity. The rest had brought their laptops and had a look of excitement in their faces. The editing process was complete and now the video was ready to be shown to the world. Sunehri pressed the enter button to simultaneously upload and broadcast the video in YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. The gang looked at each other with pride and happiness, confident that their efforts would be appreciated.

The response to the video was better than anyone’s expectation and the reactions were phenomenal. It was catching on like wildfire and people from all over the country were transfixed by the video. Sunehri’s beauty as well as her soulful voice and Nayan’s magical composition turned out to be a winning combination and took the internet world by storm. The video had notched up more than a million views within a span of two weeks. Everyone in college were now recognizing Sunehri and appreciating her talent. Even Nayan was getting his fair share of recognition for his composition and lyrics. He was not used to being the centre of attraction as he preferred being in the background and let others hog the limelight. But when musically inclined people in the campus recognized him and shook his hands, the shine in Nayan’s eyes got even brighter.

The making of the video and its subsequent success had made Sunehri and Nayan inseparable. They began to spend more and more time together. They needed the slightest excuse to meet each other alone which even prompted Farah to ask Sunehri if she was dating Nayan. Sunehri just smiled and informed her that they were just really good friends. For Sunehri, the past wounds had not completely healed. Love just seemed to jinx everything and desecrate the emotions that she held sacred. Again her vivid imagination was activated to assuage the void she felt inside. As she would lie in her bed, preparing to go to sleep, she would imagine that she was Nayan’s ‘Mashooqa’, his beloved, and not some random girl in Lucknow. Just the thought that she was the inspiration for Nayan’s rhapsodies gave her goosebumps and produced within her electrifying sensations of delight which she found very difficult to shake off.

For Nayan, hanging out with Sunehri itself felt magical and powerful. He could listen for hours as Sunehri shared everything about her life. The expressions of her beautiful face and the soft looks of her innocent eyes could hypnotize him and put him in a state of profound satisfaction. He no longer wanted to reveal to Sunehri that she was the ‘Mashooqa’, his beloved, and not some random girl in Lucknow. He was scared that revealing it would drive her away from him and he would lose her friendship that he cherished so much.

After the first term was over, Principal Khosla announced that the college would organize a trip to resorts in Manali so that students could unwind, relax and release the tensions which accumulated during exams. Farah and Junaid could not hide their excitement as this news came out on the notice board. There could not be a more enchanting place to further explore their romance than the scenic foothills of Himalayas. The trip would last a week, and most students of Carmel would be taking the trip including Shlok, Sunehri and Nayan. Ambuj had to miss out as he would be vacationing to Europe with his family during the same time as the trip.

As the college students reached Manali, the whole mass of students got divided into smaller groups. Within the gang, the two lovebirds Farah and Junaid cocooned themselves away from the world while Sunehri and Nayan stuck to each other like glue. There was something in the mountainous air of Manali that made Sunehri and Nayan even more joyful in each other’s company. After a tiring day of games, fun and frolic the two sat around the fireside holding hands and snuggling up to each other as closely as two friends would.

The radiance of the joy that was emanating between them could not seem to contain itself. Shlok, who was nearby caught a whiff of it and was mysteriously drawn to the fireside where Nayan and Sunehri were sitting and watched them slyly from a distance. Seeing them together, Shlok could no longer suppress the feelings that were bursting inside his heart. After he had walked away from Sunehri, he had continued his string of meaningless and pointless relationships. But now that he had experienced something deep and real with Sunehri, everything and everyone else felt vapid and artificial.  The sight of Sunehri and Nayan so close together made his heart burn with jealousy, which was a feeling he had rarely experienced before. He realized that he could not digest Sunehri being with anyone else. A rage was building up within Shlok and was almost reaching the point of explosion when to his relief Sunehri got up and bid Nayan goodbye. 

Shlok followed Sunehri to her bedroom and seemed hesitant and confused about knocking on her doors. The confidence and swagger that he was well known for was deserting him at this crucial time. He finally mustered his guts and knocked on Sunehri’s bedroom. Sunehri quickly opened the doors expecting that Farah, who was her roommate in the resort, was back. She gasped with surprise when she saw it was Shlok. She quickly steadied herself and asked Shlok the reason for visiting her.  A barrage of pleas, explanations and proclamations of undying love streamed forth from Shlok’s mouth as he held Sunehri’s hands. Sunehri’s head was reeling as a mixed set of emotions began to engulf her. She could sense how strongly Shlok felt about her.

Shlok had not been the only one who had been suppressing emotions. All this while, Sunehri had tried to keep at bay the flood of emotions she felt whenever she remembered the kiss. Shlok had walked away and there was no point harking back to the kiss that changed everything. But now that Shlok had suddenly turned up at her doorsteps pleading for her love, it felt like someone had turned on the tap of emotions. All the feelings and emotions that had been kept locked leapt forth as if a caged wild animal had just been freed. Noticing that Sunehri was reacting positively, Shlok stopped groveling and became more of his charming and suave self. He had been scared that Sunehri would not respond to his display of love but the look in Sunehri’s eyes showed that she was totally smitten by him.

As Sunehri looked deeply into Shlok’s eyes; she was completely swept by the torrential flow of her emotions. The unbridled passion that the kiss had ignited was re-emerging with a force that was ferocious. She recollected the divine rhythm in her mind that Shlok’s lips had composed and she wanted to re-live it yet again. And so did Shlok. He took Sunehri by her arms and drew her closer. Just as Shlok was about to kiss her, Sunehri was struck by an intense flash of clarity: The image of Nayan’s smiling face suddenly etched itself in Sunehri’s mind. Before Shlok could kiss her, she backed off and pushed him away. Shlok stood dumbfounded by her behavior. 

Sunehri broke into a wide smile as she realized the magnitude of what she had done. She had incredibly resisted the irresistible. “Don’t get me wrong Shlok. This is nothing personal. In fact I want to thank you.” Sunehri said excitedly by way of explanation. “All this time, I was shying away from the truth but when you were about to kiss me I realized how badly I want to be with Nayan. You can imagine my love for him by the fact that I am refusing you, the guy who blew my mind away and swept me off my feet! Thanks for everything once again. Goodbye Shlok.” Sunehri hugged him warmly and kissed him on the cheeks before turning her back on him. She hurriedly left her room with a determined sense of purpose in her strides.  In a strange way, Shlok understood why Sunehri had walked away. He was only glad that he had lost her to a worthy person. There was no shame in losing out to a more deserving opponent. Shlok was no sore loser. If Sunehri would be happier with Nayan, who was he to complain? He shrugged his shoulders and returned to his own room, defeated but not dejected.

As Sunehri was rushing towards Nayan’s room she realized winning Nayan’s love would not be that easy. There was that stupid ‘Mashooqa’ to contend with. “Mashooqa ki aisi ki taisi. Nayan should not care a rat’s ass for someone like that silly ‘Mashooqa’ who fell in love with someone else.” She concluded to herself.  She confidently reached up to Nayan’s room and knocked on his doorsteps. A bleary eyed Nayan opened the door, looking like someone who had been woken up from deep slumber. Once he saw it was Sunehri, he immediately brightened up and welcomed her inside his room. As soon as Sunehri sat on the chair, she directed the most colourful curses and abuses that were available at her disposal and aimed them at the Lucknawi Memsaab ‘The Mashooqa’. 

Noticing the irony of the situation, Nayan immediately shushed her “Sssh Sunehri. Stop cursing her. I love her.” “And I love you Nayan” Sunehri replied passionately. “I love you from the bottom of my heart. I can understand if you choose your ‘Mashooqa’ over me. It was wrong of me to abuse her. But I could not help it. I really do love you” 

Finally, Nayan connected the dots as he saw Sunehri looking at him doe-eyed with love immeasurable in its capacity. Just like the moment when his great love had first struck him, Sunehri’s look of forlorn love left him too overwhelmed for words. He was feeling tongue tied and incapable of speech yet again. He pointed his fingers at Sunehri and somehow gurgled out the words “You are Mashooqa. Always.” At hearing these words, it was Sunehri’s turn to connect the dots. “Ohh. I am Mashooqa!!”  Sunehri exclaimed and broke into uncontrollable peals of laughter with tears of joy raining down her cheeks. With regards to Nayan, words have not been invented yet to describe what he felt at that moment. It would be an injustice to even attempt to explain it. Suffice it to say, the shine that gleamed from his eyes was enough to illuminate the darkest corners of earth. 

Sunehri’s laughter of joy eventually abated after a considerable amount of time. She crashed into Nayan’s waiting arms and kissed him with a feverish fervor. As they embraced, it would not be an overstatement to say that their souls merged into one. An eternal, everlasting and timeless love had found its home.

Written by Smiran Bhandari

Email: smiranb@gmail.com  

Happen Stance

I was an agnostic all my life. I just could not believe things that I had not seen or experienced myself. Some people I knew were militant atheists. These people were quite certain that God did not exist and they mocked anyone who believed in God. But there was something about the extreme certainty about God's non existence that Atheists subscribed to which bothered me. I did not believe in God because I had not met one but there was no way I could rule out the possibility.

God's existence was a concept that fascinated me as I saw more of life. I wanted God to exist but I had a sinking feeling that there were no such thing. Living beings existing on Earth looked like it was just a random occurrence. Our placement on Earth seemed to have no divine connection. But just when I was coming to terms with my inner conflict about God, I came into contact with a person who would reignite my fascination with the Divine subject.

At first, it seemed remarkable to me that such a brilliant person would even contemplate befriending a common person like me. He was one of the most sough after intellectuals in the world with a plethora of achievements to his name. He had made the most of life. Money, fame, intellect, success; he had it all. Though I was not doing too badly myself, there was very less chance someone like him would ever seek out someone like me for company. But that is exactly what happened.

It was a crowded restaurant and I was sitting alone at my table minding my own business. Just when I was about to leave, he tapped me on my shoulder and asked me if he could sit next to me as there was no place available. I was only too happy to oblige. And then we struck a conversation. I was immediately impressed with his erudition, wit, humour, intellect and sagely wisdom. Two hours flew by and there we were discussing the finer details of anything and everything. I was lucky that I was taken by surprise. If I was prepared I would have been too inhibited to even blurt out two sentences properly.

As fate would have it, he had enjoyed my company very much. There was a glimmer in his eyes as we parted company. We decided to meet again as soon as his busy schedule permitted. A few months later, I got a call from him regarding meeting again and I jumped at the opportunity. Even though he had scheduled only for an hour we ended up talking for four hours. As were about to part, I decided to ask him a question whose answer would change my life. I asked him "So what do you think about God? Do you think the chap exists?" "Ofcourse God exists. I have even met God" he replied smilingly and walked away

The next few weeks I was obsessed with that revelation. My friend was a highly intelligent person, infact the most intelligent person I ever encountered. And he said he had met God! That shook the very core of my existence. I could think of nothing else. Of course, there was an off chance that he had meant it as a joke but I knew it in my bones that he was not kidding. I decided to pursue the matter further by inviting him for another meeting. We met and discussed as usual. I had kept this issue for last and when we were about to depart I asked him what he had meant about meeting God. I expected him to be his jovial self while replying to the question. Instead, his discomfort was readily apparent. 

After much cajoling and prodding, he told me "If you really want to experience God, then wish for it with your entire heart and soul. If you are worthy, you will have your wish fulfilled." With those cryptic words, he departed. We were never to meet again as his work took him to another city but the memories of his ready warmth, generosity and friendship stayed with me.

I had failed to make head or tail about his proclamation regarding experiencing God. It did not provide a practical protocol which I could easily follow. I just needed to wholeheartedly remember God and somehow if I was worthy, God might emerge. It reminded me of holy religious scriptures wherein a form of God would appear before true devotees. This approach did not seem too likely to work. Nevertheless, out of respect for my friend's intellect, I followed his suggestion with utmost sincerity. Every day for the subsequent three months, I meditated for hours at end wishing to experience God first hand.

Some times I would go to a park near my home where I would close my eyes and embark on my meditative journey. After one such meditation session, I slowly opened my eyes and right in front of me was a gentleman observing me intently. I had never seen him before but there was a powerful vibration around him which was immediately noteworthy. He had sharp features and a radiant countenance. He also looked like he was from another country. "Do you wish to meet God" he asked. "Yes" I muttered, quite astonished with the turn of events. "Then come with me. If you are lucky you may experience divinity"

It all seemed too surreal to me. I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming. But the pain from the pinch suggested otherwise. He took me to a nearby hotel which was exceedingly glitzy and posh. I did not know what to expect anymore. I was curious to know more about the Gentleman who had led me to the hotel. He turned out to be a European politician who had a highly distinguished and accomplished career. He had even been the Finance Minister of one of the smaller countries in Europe. I was wondering what I was doing with a person of such stature. It all felt like an unreal fairy tale.

"So are you ready to meet the all knowing and all seeing Supreme Lord." he asked with an eager look in his eyes.

"Yes. Absolutely" I said with conviction as his enthusiasm was highly contagious. 

Moments later we were joined by another person whose name I never got to know. I named him "The Worrier" in my head as he had three parallel worry lines on his forehead which was marring his otherwise good looking face. The three of us proceeded to the hotel's restaurant where we sat in a rather private corner. The worrier was looking at me rather appraisingly as if he was sizing me up. I decided to return the favour and observed him carefully. The first thing I noticed was that he seemed highly disturbed about something and was looking furtively at the European gentleman.  

  

"What does God want me to do?" he asked the European

"I don't know" was the reply.

"Just tell me what am I supposed to do?"

"I really don't know"

The worrier gave a defeated sigh at that reply and went back to appraising me.

"What about him?" he asked pointing at him.

"We need to fix up a meeting between him and the Supreme Lord" said the European matter of factly.

"But you are the messenger of God. You decide"

"No. Since he is from your country, you have the honour"

The worrier looked at me with a grin and responded "The meeting will happen at an appropriate time and place. I will reach out to you when you are ready". With those words he led me out of the hotel and waved a silent goodbye. He then proceeded to join the European at the restaurant. I stood at the exit of the hotel not knowing what struck me. The meeting had ended as abruptly as it had started. I was flummoxed and perplexed like I had never been before.

It has been seven years since that incident and I have not been contacted by either God or his messengers. But I have hope in my heart that the parting words of the worrier will come true. I know it in my bones that he meant them. All said and done, the incredible turn of events that I experienced left an indelible impression on me. The experience transformed me from a sceptical cynic into a firm believer. It convinced me of the existence of a Supreme Force which is All-Pervasive and All-Powerful.  

A change of life

Kris was staring at his glass of whisky quite intently, the golden liquid that had changed his life. It had made him a miserable and pauper lout from the decent person that he used to be. He had known many people who had ruined their lives because of alcohol but they were all alcoholics who had abused their poison. His case was a strange one as he knew no one else who had suffered like him. He was a victim to a strange affliction caused by alcohol. It caused a disorder that nobody could believe or understand. Alcohol would randomly trigger such psychological effects in Kris that it would change him as a person. It would drastically alter his personality in such a way that he would become a different person after the attack. He would retain no resemblance to the person that he used to be. The only aspect that remained with him was his memories. He had been four different personalities in his lifetime. Four totally different lives. 

And today he was drinking so that he could change yet again because his current personality was the worst. He could no longer face his life as he had lost everything. Now, the only option left with him was to change and the only way he could do it was to trigger the attack deliberately. He had been drinking every day for the past ten days in the hope that it would lead to an attack. So far, it had eluded him but he had a feeling that today would be the day it would strike him. He had a feeling in his gut that at the end of the day he would be a changed man. And this time hopefully, for the better. He poured himself a fourth glass of cheap whisky, the only kind he could afford, and waited patiently for the magic to unfold. As he was drinking, he started reminiscing about what he used to be and what he had become. He could vividly remember the night the first attack had hit him.

It was five years back, on the night of a friend’s birthday. Then, he was twenty six and happy and was leading a quiet life with a well established business of distributing pharmaceutical medicines in his hometown Bombay. It earned him enough to lead a comfortable lifestyle if not a lavish one. He was devoted to his cute wife, Martha, who in-turn loved him and cared for him genuinely. He would always joke that their two individual souls had fused into one intertwined unit; such was the power of their love. He was respectful to people and generally followed rules as long as it made sense. That time, everyone liked him as he had a soft and endearing personality. He used to drink moderately and only during social occasions. On the fateful night, he remembered he was having a glass of Scotch and was enjoying the celebrations around him when he suddenly felt giddy. He excused himself and sped to the spare room at his friend’s place.  

As soon as he lied down on the bed he knew he was in trouble. He could hear sirens all around and everything was spinning around him. He closed his eyes and felt that he was transported into some sort of a nightmare. He was visualizing things he had never seen before. Colourful images of ghost-like creatures which were constantly rotating. His past life was moving in front of him in fast motion and there were constant noises of ambulance sirens which seemed to be very near to the room. Then, all of a sudden, things slowed down significantly and he was facing some sort of a countdown. He could see two distinct images in his visual imagination. One image was plain dark which would sometimes change into faces of his loved ones. The other image was a swirling collection of colours.

As moments passed, the colours started overpowering the plain dark image and slowly and steadily the plain dark images were reducing. The colours were dominating his visual screen and as soon as the colours completely covered the screen, the sirens started again. The colours started rotating in his mind. First, slowly and then the pace increased as each moment passed. Kris eventually fell asleep as the rotation and the sirens subsided.

He woke up the next morning when his friend shook him up and greeted him with a knowing smile as if understanding the after-effects of drinking too much. Kris was still disoriented after the previous night and quickly excused himself to leave for home. He could not wait to reach home and make sense of last night. He was noticing that his hands were shaking while he was driving his car. He did not instantly realize that he had changed as a person. But over time, he started realizing that the night had altered him in a fundamental way. He had stopped taking care of his business. His wife was filing for divorce proceedings as he had turned violent on her which he had never done before. His friends were deserting him as he had developed a fiery temper. He also became a more charitable person as he started distributing cash to the first needy person he met. 

He informed his parents that he was quitting his business as he no longer had any inclinations for it. His parents attributed his change to the divorce and they felt that the trauma of separation was affecting him severely and thus were supportive of his decision. After a month of staying with his parents, he decided to become a canvas painter. He felt urges to convert the images that he could see in his head into the canvas. Following his natural instincts, he bought himself a canvas and painting tools. He had never done serious painting before and the new experience was exhilarating. He painted half a dozen paintings in no time and was getting recognition of his talent whenever he displayed his paintings to others. 

After six months of the first attack, he took stock of the situation. He knew that things had changed after the incident but he was not able to pinpoint alcohol as the trigger. He was leading a different life in the past six months as he had become a different person. He was noticing the minute and not so minute changes in his personality. Before, he was a very tidy person who wanted things at its place. After, everything in his room had become a mess. Before, he liked simple movies with simple messages whereas after he no longer enjoyed such movies and preferred complex and abstract movies. Before, he loved chocolate. After, he detested it. There were more than hundred traits that had changed after the attack. Before, he seldom experienced sadness. After, he was seldom experiencing happiness.

On the whole, he felt that his life had taken a turn for the worse as the separation from his wife had left a huge vacuum in his life. He could not fathom how he could get aggressive with the person whom he cherished the most. He was yet to completely come to grips with the overwhelming changes in his personality as he changed in the most fundamental of ways. The only aspect that provided comfort to him was his paintings. The reviews provided by other artists were mostly positive. They criticized the lack of technical knowledge but without exception everyone realized his talent with colours. He could add dimensions to colours and create visuals that would leave people open-mouthed with delight. His paintings were now the only area of his life that kept him going.

He had also started drinking more regularly as he believed alcohol provided him inspiration for his paintings. One day, while he was having a drink alone at home, the attack struck him again. He looked at the glass of whisky and finally made the connection that it was alcohol which triggered his attacks. As the attack was engulfing him, he understood that only alcohol could have been the catalytic trigger which could change him instantly. He crisscrossed his way to the room and fell into the bed with a thud. The nightmare had begun. This time, the attack was even worse than the previous one. He felt that he was falling down deep into a never ending abyss and was virtually hoping for a crash. Strange music was playing inside his head, a hypnotic rhythm which kept repeating itself. Suddenly the music stopped and a scream started as if his subconscious was ringing the alarm bells. The scream kept increasing its intensity until he felt his head would explode. The nightmare lasted for more than an hour until he finally fell asleep.

The next morning when he woke up, he was a changed man. His thought process had changed. His perspective had altered from the previous night. His focus was distorted and his observational skills were diminished. He also felt more relaxed and the rate of his heartbeat was also perceptibly slower from his previous avatar. At first, Kris did not realize the change in his personality. But after a few weeks, he slowly started realizing the deep and structural changes that he was going through as a human being. After the attack, his paintings skills had completely vanished. He was painting like a ten year old with no propensity to wield the brush. It all hit him at once. He was first shattered that he had lost the ability to paint and later he slowly started piecing together the jigsaw puzzle. 

Finally, he pieced together the facts and realizations and understood that the attacks post drinking were causing him to change as a person. He promised himself that he would never drink again. But by this time, he was feeling completely depressed. His well-wishers, especially his parents, were wondering how a capable person like him had morphed into a crazy ball of despair. After his initial display of painting prowess, he was hoping that it would help him sustain his life while providing a channel for his suffering. Now all hopes seemed lost. For around 6 months, he was completely unproductive. He had stopped talking to people, slept for around fourteen hours every day, and whiled away his time watching TV, mostly cartoons. 

Kris’ parents were extremely concerned about the mental state of their child. In fact, even Kris’ father was falling into depression after seeing his son’s deterioration. The only person who managed to keep the atmosphere lively was Kris’ mother. She was always looking for ways to cheer up her husband and son. One evening, she prepared Apple cake for his son as she thought it was his favourite. She went into his room and lovingly fed him the cake with her own hands. Kris, no longer liked Apple cake as his preferences had changed since the last attack, but his eyes welled up with tears as he ate the cake. His mother carefully wiped his tears and hugged him for what seemed like an eternity. Kris suddenly felt a surge of power and energy by the affection shown to him by his mother. It was an act of unconditional love that mothers are known for universally. 

At that moment, he decided that he would stop disappointing his loved ones and would start providing a direction to his life. He took the classified sections of the newspaper and carefully scrolled his eyes for a job opening in the advertisement section.

He concentrated for half an hour but he could not seem to find a job of his liking. Finally something caught his eyes. It was an ad for a land sale. He instinctively felt that he should pursue this opportunity. 

He had savings accumulated from his pharmaceutical distribution and the land owner was asking for an amount which would take up slightly more than half his savings. 

It would be a significant risk for him but he decided to go with his intuition and pursue the land deal. And anyways, he was also sick of the inaction of the past 6 months. Finally, there was an opportunity for action and he would not let go of this opportunity. He called up the number that was displayed on the ad and fixed up an appointment with the land owner. He felt a surge of excitement. At last, he was getting out of the rut. When he informed his parents about his intent to purchase the parcel of land, they were wary at the beginning but eventually relented after seeing Kris’ excitement.

The next day, Kris met the landowner at the site of the property to discuss the terms of the sale. After five minutes of routine conversation, Kris had an intuitive realization that something was amiss with the behaviour of the landowner. He concluded that either the land owner was swindling him about the legality of the property or he was utterly desperate to sell the land. He immediately asked the land owner probing questions about any legal issues in the property. The owner satisfactorily answered all the questions and even showed him the legal documents pertaining to the property. This then meant that if he had to rely on his intuition, the landowner was desperate to sell the land. He decided to again rely on his intuition and offered the land owner half the rate that he was asking in the ad. Kris expected the land owner to laugh at the ridiculous offer and was scared that he would be shooed away for being so naïve. Instead, the landowner gulped and almost begged Kris to increase the offer considering the market rate of the land. 

This was the moment when Kris realized that his intuition was indeed right. Only a person in desperate need of money could contemplate selling the land at such cheap rates. Kris, initially pleaded lack of funds with the owner but eventually relented to increase his offer marginally. The owner heaved a sigh of relief and readily shook hands on the revised offer. Kris later realized that the owner was heavily in debt and had to sell the land at such distressed rates to avoid bankruptcy. After the meeting, Kris readily made arrangements to purchase the property. Within a few days, the site was registered in his name and the documents were transferred. 

Kris felt deep satisfaction as he held the property documents in his name. He knew that he was back in the game and felt proud that he was recovering from the abyss that he had fallen into. He then decided to talk to his father about the potential action steps to be taken on the land as his father had a fair idea of real estate. After analyzing all options, he concluded that constructing a residential apartment in the land would be the best choice as there were a lot of commercial spaces and offices around the property. He intuitively felt that people would prefer residing near to their office place and save on the commute time. But since he had no construction experience, he decided he would have to hire a contractor to construct the building. He immediately placed an ad in the newspaper to hire one.

The next week, he received a call from a person who expressed interest in taking up the services. Kris scheduled an appointment for the same evening at a coffee shop near to his home. At the coffee shop, he saw a young man in his mid-twenties who seemed to be looking for someone. Kris ignored him as he was expecting the contractor to be a middle aged person. But he was utterly surprised when the young man approached him and asked for him and introduced himself as Mark. 

Kris would have normally rejected the young man immediately looking at his youth and perceptible inexperience. But something within him was stopping him. It was his intuition again. And by now, he had developed great respect for his intuition. 

He gave Mark a chance to explain his capabilities and was not disappointed. In spite of his youth, Mark showed a lot of clarity of thought and understanding which extremely impressed Kris. And since this would be Mark’s first project he was offering his services at a 40% discount to the market rates prevailing for contractors. Kris hid his excitement and expressed that he was sceptical of hiring Mark due to his inexperience. Immediately, Mark offered a further 20% discount to add to the earlier discount. Kris could not control his glee and burst out into a smile. He hired Mark on the spot.

With his remaining savings, he started the construction of the residential apartment along with Mark. Mark proved to be a quick learner and was hard working and honest to boot. With his dedication and intelligence, Mark was able to complete the construction quickly and cost effectively. It took no time for Kris to realize that he would be sitting on handsome profits once the apartments were sold. He thanked his stars for the luck and his intuition for the insights. He vowed never to drink again as he did not want to risk losing his enhanced intuition.

As Kris had expected, there was huge demand for the apartments from office goers who preferred the convenience of a home nearby to their office. The apartments were sold out in no time and in the process made Kris extremely rich. Kris had never seen so much money and did not know what to do with it. He paid Mark an extra bonus for his hard work and reserved the rest of the money for his next project. All this while, he had resisted all temptations to drink. These were the best times of his life and he did not want to ruin it. He was also glad that he was able to make his parents happy again. The only person missing in his life was his ex-wife Martha. Kris still missed her a lot and was cursing his previous version for being such a stupid fool. He had heard from one of their common friends that Martha was also anguished at the prospect of losing someone whom she cared for deeply. Krish deeply wanted to get back with her but could not muster the guts to face her after his previous debacle. His own behaviour had posed a question mark subconsciously about whether he deserved to be with Martha again.

With this experience of constructing an apartment, he realized that real estate was his calling and was now on the hunt for the next property. He diligently started researching and came to know that there was a particular property that was being coveted by all the major real estate players. The property was in a central location of the city and many property developers in the market recognized the value in the property. But somehow, all the developers had failed to negotiate on the price with the owner of the property.

The owner was an old widow who had just lost her husband and was planning to relocate to her daughter’s home as she did not feel comfortable staying alone at her home. For this reason, she was looking for buyers to sell her home to. This news had created a lot of buzz in real estate circles as the home was located in a prime locality. 

Kris again intuitively felt that a commercial property built at the widow’s home would sell like hot cakes and decided to give a shot at purchasing the property. The profits that he had made from the residential apartment would be more than enough to purchase the widow’s home and construct at it. Without scheduling an appointment he directly approached the widow’s home and rang the bell. 

A servant opened the door and Kris was led inside to the hall after he mentioned the reason of visit. It looked like the servant was used to entertaining strangers looking to buy the property. A few minutes later, an old lady entered into the hall and introduced herself as Mrs. Thomas. Kris struck a conversation with her and talked to her about her daughter and her grandchildren. 

After an hour or so of routine conversation, the lady began discussing the sale of property. Mrs. Thomas asked Kris at what price he would be comfortable in purchasing the property. Kris’ intuition suggested that the price would be an important parameter for Mrs. Thomas in deciding the buyer. So, he decided to quote the prevailing market price rather than haggle for a discounted price. At the offer, Mrs. Thomas looked at Kris intensely for a while and then offered her hands. She had accepted the price! Kris could not believe his luck. He had been awarded with something that the major and experienced developers were coveting. He asked her the reason for accepting him as the buyer and not the other developers who had even more resources at their disposal. She replied that without exception all the developers who had approached her had considered her vulnerable and wanted to take advantage of her old age. 

Even though she was aware of the market price, the developers perceived her to be ignorant of market conditions. She said that Kris was the first potential buyer who had treated her with respect and offered her the proper market price. And that was all that Mrs. Thomas was looking for. Within a week, the transaction was consummated and Kris was the proud owner of Mrs. Thomas’ home. 

Immediately he contacted Mark and asked him if his services were available again. Mark gladly assented and in no time got to work on the construction of a business centre at the property. As expected, the response for the property was phenomenal and again resulted in windfall profits for Kris. His quick growth in the real estate market had generated a lot of respect for Kris and he was considered as the one to watch out for in the future. Kris was overwhelmed with the success that he had secured in such a short period of time. 

Even in his wildest imagination, he had not expected to earn so much money. He had never felt happier in his life. He recollected how depressed he was a couple of years ago. The magical moment when his mother fed him the apple cake had turned his life around. His intuition was also pivotal in getting him to where he was.

But the more successful he was the more he felt that he was missing Martha by his side. He had kept track on Martha to see whether she had remarried and was glad that she had not. He considered calling her but he could not place the call. The shame of having abused her in his previous avatar was still there and he felt that he could not face her anymore.

He tried to channelize the pain and pour it into his real estate efforts. He was keen to continue his winning streak in real estate. He had organized a huge celebratory bash to mark his arrival in the big league. All the reputed people in the real estate industry were invited for the bash. He also wanted his parents to soak in the success and was looking forward to the bash with immense enthusiasm. When the celebrations began, he saw everyone enjoying their drinks and having a good time. Many people even asked him why he was not drinking. He initially resisted his temptations to drink but eventually caved in. He rationalized that if he drinks for one day it will do him no harm. And anyways, the celebrations were very important to him and he wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. It was worth the risk. When he took the first sip he felt his whole body relaxing. 

He had forgotten how good it felt. He involved himself in the celebrations with full gusto and poured himself another drink. While he was having the third round of scotch, he suddenly felt intuitively that he was committing a grave mistake and had gotten carried away in the celebrations.

He immediately threw away the remaining drink and hoped that he would not have to suffer another attack. Unfortunately, it was not to be. A few minutes later his head started feeling heavy and giddy. He knew he had to crash to a room quickly or the invitees would feel that he was suffering from a bout of fits. He quickly approached Mark and asked him to find him a room in a nearby hotel. Mark was diligent as ever and quickly placed Kris in a room. Kris told Mark to take care of the guests in the party while he rested in the room. As soon as Kris crashed into the bed, he realized that this attack would be more powerful than the previous two attacks. He was blinded with intense pain on his temple and felt his heart pounding rapidly. 

The attack was taking him to never seen before places within his mind. He could see the massive, complex cosmos and yet within the unstructured universe he caught a glimpse of a tiny organised world. It seemed like a beautiful oasis amidst a mammoth wilderness of randomness. It felt like he had penetrated a veil and had witnessed the unseen which was not supposed to be seen. It was a glance at the unknowable. The brilliance of this forbidden sight was dazzling as well as blinding just like the radiance of the afternoon sun.  Then he began to experience synaesthesia, a condition where one can simultaneously experience two senses together. Kris could hear loud music being played in a faraway place which was getting converted and transmitted as images in his head. 

In the images, Kris could see his mother giving an impassioned defence about the innocence of her son in a strange language that Kris could not understand. The universe itself was the judge and the universe proclaimed a judgement in its infinite wisdom in another strange language. Kris appeared within his own images and bowed his head in misery after listening to the judgement. Then the music stopped and so did the images. The next few hours, Kris had to go through intense headache and suffering before the pain subsided and he fell asleep.

The next morning, as Kris woke up, he understood he had changed. He groaned loudly and slapped himself on the face for getting carried away and breaking his promise. Just when things were finally working out so well for him he had ruined it. The previous night’s attack had left him extremely fatigued and exhausted. But he consoled himself that this time at least he had a lot of money and he would be able to cope up in his life. He would not be crushed with sorrow as he was the last time the attack had struck him. Yes. He would have to cope up with the change. He was a changed person and he had to deal with it. At that moment, he looked out of the window to get some fresh air and on an impulse, started counting the cars that were running on the street. He had never done this before.  He had never been a numbers person in his life but now all he could think of was numbers. He was analyzing the distance from the bed to the bathroom. And at other times, he was taking two random numbers and multiplying it.

Before he used to think in terms of images and words but now he could think of nothing but numbers. The amount of time it would take him to have a shower. The sum of money he had in his wallet which he calculated to the exact rupee. He then started calculating the amount of money he held in various bank accounts which was again a first in his life. He instantly realized that now that he had changed he would no longer have the enhanced intuition that had served him so well. As if on cue, he starting counting the number of times his intuition had helped him in the previous version of his life. He was surprised to feel that he no longer felt excited about his real estate business. What he had felt was his calling before no longer interested him. He felt more excited in drowning himself in numbers and making sense of the world through numbers. 

He turned on the TV and was flicking through the channel when he came across a business channel. He was suddenly intrigued by the stock tickers that kept whizzing by on the bottom side of the channel. He had seen it in the previous lives as well but it had never intrigued him before. Now, he was completely fascinated by the numbers that suggested so many things to people who understood what it meant. At that moment, he realized what his new calling would be. The stock markets! It was a treasure trove of numbers which could be understood and analyzed. He was seized by enthusiasm to convert the numbers into meaningful information and stock markets would be an adequate platform to pour his energies into. He immediately called up a stockbroker friend of his and fixed an appointment to know more about the mysterious world of stock markets.

The next day he met his friend and tried to understand the mechanics of stock market. The meeting went on for hours but it could not assuage his thirst for knowledge of it. When the meeting was about to conclude, Kris decided that he would start trading in the markets from the next day itself. As he was about to leave, his friend warned him about the pitfalls that could entrap the self-assured and asked Kris to be cautious. Kris nodded and smiled and told him not to worry. That evening, Kris began analyzing reams of data regarding the price movements and business financials of companies. The more he researched the more he was confident that he would master the game. 

His analysis suggested to him that the markets were up for a huge bull run and he could make money by buying stocks. He tested the waters by investing a part of his savings in the market. And as luck would have it, the markets increased significantly and landed Kris a neat profit. His first moves in the stock market provided Kris a huge sense of exhilaration. Bolstered by his initial success he decided to invest all his savings into the stock market. And the markets obliged. In 3 months he had increased his net worth by 60%. 

He had fallen in love with the game of stock markets where profits were the way to keep points. But something within Kris was not satisfied. His initial success had increased his confidence and he wanted to amplify the gains that he was making in the markets. He researched and found out that stock futures could be used as lever to magnify the gains that he was making. He realized that he could magnify the results by 4-5 times by using futures. Had he used futures from the start his gains would potentially have been up to 300% rather than 60%. He decided that without further ado he would start purchasing stock futures and make more profits than he could imagine in his wildest imaginations. 

With the money he had made in real estate and stock markets he could retire and lead a luxurious life for the rest of his lifetime. But he felt that it would be no fun when compared to the excitement he felt in the stock markets. The next day he allocated 80% of his net worth into stock futures and waited for the cash to roll in. A week went by and he made further profits which were now magnified by the leverage he was using. Kris could now see nothing but numbers in front of him. 

He was constantly calculating various permutations and combinations in different scenarios. In essence, for Kris, the money he was making no longer mattered. It was the thrill of winning the game of stock markets that truly excited him. The more money he made the more he felt like a winner in life. He called up his stockbroker friend and informed him about the success that he had garnered in such a short period of time. When his friend realized that Kris was playing in stock futures he tried to convince Kris about the dangers of it and how he had personally witnessed clients getting ruined by the game of Futures. But Kris scoffed at him by telling him not to envy his abilities to make money in the markets and kept the phone on his friend’s face.

But the stockbroker’s words proved to be prescient. A few days after the conversation, a huge terrorist attack took place which created pandemonium and panic in the markets. Kris was dumbfounded. He was betting the markets would move up but due to the attack the markets collapsed by 25% within a week. Kris was frozen by the change of events and he was sitting on huge losses which would virtually wipe out 98% of his net worth. He received a call from his broker who informed him that he was closing all his positions as there was a huge negative shortfall in Kris’ account. 

Kris was left with no option but to sell the luxurious condominium that he was living in and use almost all of his reserves to clear the shortfall. Unfortunately, as soon as he cleared the shortfall, the markets recovered dramatically. Had he not been over-leveraged he could have the staying power which would have reduced his losses to a meagre 10% instead of 98% that he had to endure. 

After this turn of events, Kris was a shattered man. He had lost everything. From being extremely successful he had become a pauper. He felt hopeless and depressed. He kicked himself for not paying heed to his friend’s words. He was back in his parent’s place, had lost almost all his money, had lost the love of his life and was completely devoid of energy. He hated his life. All this while, he was so absorbed by the markets and was enjoying the ride so much that he had avoided drinking lest he change again. But he had realized that he was so blinded by numbers that he had forgotten everything else. The numbers had made him blind to words and other people’s feelings. His friend’s words of warning kept haunting him every day and troubled him deeply. He hated himself for being so foolish. His self-hatred led him to deciding to change as a person. And that was when he turned to alcohol. For better or worse, it was an instrument that could change him in an instant.

The next ten days he drank consecutively. On the tenthth day, while he was reminiscing about the past gone by, he had a feeling that it would be the day that would lead to change. As he finished going back in time to recollect his past four personalities, his feelings proved to be right. As soon as he finished his fourth drink, he started feeling giddy. He progressed to his bed and lied down waiting for the change to take over. This time, he could see images of his childhood floating in his head.

He saw himself when he was around eight years old smiling rather innocently. Then the images turned to memories. He was accessing long lost memories that were hidden deep within the realms of his mind. 

He was tapping imagination of his very early childhood. He was not certain of the exact timeline of the childhood but he could guess it was when he was around two or three years old. It seemed like a different world to him. There were no words or numbers. It was pure images. Colourful images that a child imagines. Kris was enthralled by what he was visualizing in front of him. Something at the back of his mind told him that he was back in his childhood which was a lot happier and simpler time. It brought him back to a period of time where everything was looked at with wonderment and amazement. 

Image after colourful image kept floating past him. This time the trigger was surprisingly pleasant. He was taken over with feelings of bliss and harmony. And then time suddenly stopped. He was accessing memories that he had experienced when he was an infant. Time seemed completely paused. He was transported into a time where he had access only to the most basic emotions. The next ten minutes passed away as if it were hours. Then the attack took him further back in time. He accessed memories that had occurred to him while he was in the womb. He experienced complete nothingness. It was complete darkness and blankness. No images. No words. No numbers. No emotions. No feelings. No thoughts. It was pure nothingness. He was floating in time. And then he fell asleep.

Next morning when he woke up, he had a smile in his face. Last night’s experience had truly transformed him for the better. He was feeling extremely happy and satisfied. And the happiness did not depend on any external validation like success, achievement, fame or money. He was happy because it was the natural state of being for him. 

Past experiences had been tumultuous. Scarring him and exhilarating him by turns. But currently he felt he was undergoing a self-healing process underneath. He was feeling peace and contentment that he had never experienced before, even when he was the owner of extreme wealth and had achieved unbelievable success. And since he was feeling happy in spite of being poor he knew that the feeling was for good. He secured himself a managerial position in a nearby bank and worked on it diligently and satisfactorily. He no longer felt the urge to gain material success or wealth. He also no longer felt the urge to drink again. But, just like before, he felt a void in his life. 

The absence of Martha was still haunting him. He realized that he had to win her back. She had always been supportive, caring and loving until he had betrayed her trust by physically abusing her. But that brute was long gone. He had transformed. He was simple and honest and could not hurt a fly. Eventually, when he could no longer be without Martha, Kris decided to muster his courage and meet her. On the way, he was thinking of all the things he was going to say to convince her. He would honestly bare all and let her decide if she still wanted to return in his life. He was feeling extremely jittery as he walked to her doorsteps. He was mentally rehearsing the lines he was going to tell her as he nervously pressed the bell to her home. He crossed his fingers and waited tensely for someone to open the door. 

It was Martha who opened the doors. Kris tried to mumble something and remember the words that he was just memorizing but no words came out. Finally, he was able to stutter the words “I love you. I am sorry I hurt you” to Martha as she was staring at him wide-eyed with surprise. Martha nodded and invited him inside. He could see Martha was trying her best not to reveal what she was feeling inside. He understood that she was terribly hurt by his previous conduct. He could still see fear in her eyes when she looked at him. He was unsure whether she would believe him but he decided he would nevertheless narrate the events that had transpired. Martha seemed sceptical of what she was hearing but Kris diligently explained everything to her. 

He could see that Martha was grappling with an internal dilemma and did not seem completely convinced. She then decided to gaze intently at his eyes as though his eyes would reveal the answers to her. Kris met her gaze, hoping she could see the honesty in his eyes. After a while, Kris noticed the doubts melting away from Martha as her shoulders relaxed and her eyes became softer. Martha broke into tears and lovingly hugged him with all her might. She had chosen to believe him and wanted to be with him too. It was the most amazing moment Kris had ever experienced. He had finally reclaimed his life.

As Kris and Martha started living together again, it felt like they had never separated. Two united souls which had become disjointed were beginning to fuse back again. Kris was thankful for having gained Martha back in his life. He was appreciating her value and importance much more now that he realized how painful it was to lose her. Martha too was feeling happy after a long time. Once she had separated with Kris, she had forgotten how to smile. Now she was laughing heartily at the smallest things. The world felt alive again. Her eyes gleamed with energy and hope. The fact that Kris had lost most of his wealth did not bother her one bit, but she realized that it was something that worried Kris. Alone, Kris did not mind the lack of wealth, but now that Martha was a part of his life again he was ashamed that he could not provide her a similar quality of life like before. 

To assuage his shame, Martha had an idea to reclaim his lost wealth. She asked Kris to show her the six paintings that he had drawn while being an artist. Kris did not see the point but reluctantly agreed to show her. She was aghast that Kris had thrown away five of the paintings in a dirty corner without bothering about its impact on condition. She berated him for his lack of responsibility. Kris sheepishly responded by showing her a portrait of hers which he had kept in top class condition by framing and covering it. Martha was spellbound by the sight of the painting. It took her breath away and she began to weep. The painting was about a constellation of stars shining brightly in the night sky and bang in the middle was a giant star that looked eerily like Martha having a happy moment. 

As she recovered her emotional bearings, she called up a certain Mr. Hormuz Taraporevala for whom she had worked for on an administrative capacity. Taraporevala was a renowned philanthropist and art collector, who was well known for his generosity. He immediately agreed to meet them and appraise the work of Kris. When Kris saw Taraporevala, he felt that he was in the company of a character from the Wodehousian fantasies of Blandings castle who had been transported mysteriously into Cuffe Parade. Perhaps, Mr. Taraporevala was the Lord Emsworth of Cuffe Parade. There was a childlike innocence and curiosity in his mannerisms which instantly transformed into alert awareness as his eyes came across the paintings. His eyes surveyed the paintings like a Hawk as he deftly appraised each of the paintings. He could not suppress a gasp of pleasure as his eyes came upon the framed portrait of Martha.

After he had deeply analysed all the six paintings, Taraporevala looked at Martha and said “Dikri, put these five paintings on one side and your framed portrait on another side. These five paintings are alright, they show glimpses of raw talent but this portrait is a class apart. Your chokra has not created a piece of art; it is a work of devotion. It should be celebrated as such. These five paintings I value at not more than Rs. 20 lakhs all put together, but this constellation portrait is worth at least Rs. one crore!”

At these words, Kris felt tears of joy pouring out of his eyes. When he glanced at Martha, he saw even Martha was overwhelmed with joy. Taraporevala looked at the two of them and even he could not help but feel an outpouring of joy and happiness. Tears of joy started flowing out of his eyes uncontrollably. It was an odd sight. Three grown-ups laughing and crying together at the same time and yet all the three realized that it was a moment of pure bliss that had been captured permanently in the depths of their collective hearts.

Him

He was giggling needlessly. He was not even feeling happy. In-fact he was feeling totally useless. The world felt he was too fucked up. Too neurotic. Too dopey. Too stupid. And the world was right in its own way. He was all that and more. He went to a friend's home to have a cup of tea. The tea was really good. He could taste the milk in the tea and if he wanted to he could just taste the tea powder. The bitterness of tea powder. The strange aftertaste it left after gulping down the tea. He could imagine the tea powder in his head. He smiled. It reminded him of similar looking things. Things that could stone you to death or worse.  It was good shit anyways even though he did not know what it meant and did not know where it was taking him.

The next sip of the tea gave him an overpowering taste of sugar. Sugar reminded him of the world. The world was sugary sweet from the outside and full of alcohol from the inside. The world made him nauseous. The world and its society and its structures and its impediments and its smartness and its ugliness and he went on and on in his head. He was a bit dazed inspite of the tea. He went outside to have a walk in the park  and to see if God was around. He was not sure if God existed but there was no harm in finding out. Instead he saw a butterfly. He started chasing it. The butterfly was really beautiful.  Its wings kept fluttering on and on. The butterfly was whizzing around rather quickly but he could swear it was flapping its wings rather seductively. He noticed the world looking at him. They thought he was insane. He gave them an insane smile just to freak them out. Kids in and around the park were wondering why someone so old would be having so much fun. Grown-ups were not allowed to have fun. They have forsaken that right. That's the look the kids gave him. One of the kids gave a rather jealous look to him as his mum was around and was really screwing his happiness. He had a thought that the kid had become a grown-up already and must be having mundane thoughts already. Mundane thoughts the world has about success and achievement and all that shit that scares the fuck out of you. By which the world judges each and everyone around them. " I am more successful than him. He is such a loser. Haha". That is what the world generally used to think of him when they are around him. But when the world is around someone more successful than them they think "He is so wealthy and successful. He has 2 BMW's and makes a numerical amount of money. I suck" The world always thinks in numbers. In numbers and in objects and what they own. "What do you feel" he used to ask the world "Get away from me. I have all these numbers to achieve. I am not like you. I want to wake up in the morning. Unlike you. I want to do something. Unlike you" the world used to respond. "But what do you feel" he used to ask again. "Fuck you, you dimwit. You fucking retard. You stupid twit. I am judging you. Look into my eyes" Then he looked into their eyes. That used to scare the shit out of them for some reason. The world is full of liars and liars will not be able to see you in the eyes because they are freaking scared. Phoney people used to say that eyes are the gateway to the soul. He believed the phony people had a point even though they did not even understand what they were talking about. Stupid and phony people are though less stupid than him. Freaking gateway to the fucking soul. People saying things they don’t even understand. People knowing things they do not even know. Yet the world was alright. They were too judgmental yes but they were alright as long as they left him alone. They were alright from afar. Their stupidity was contagious as one song used to say. But they were pretty ok otherwise. Trying to reach the goals they had set for themselves. Trying to make people happy. Trying to love and be loved. Most often they wanted to think of themselves as smart. Thinking themselves as smart was a common disease amongst all the mankind. He did not care for that shit at that moment. He was lost in his own world. The outside world did not seem to bother him too much. He giggled at the world and the world responded with a funny look which seemed to crack him up further. All that giggling had made him hungry. He went to the nearest restaurant around him and munched away to glory.

He was feeling happy. Nothing seemed to bother him at that moment. He knew he was going crazy but even that thought did not seem to bother him. He knew nobody would understand him either. The world was going through too much shit of their own to bother about other people’s shit and understand others. He carried on munching till the waiter gave him a weird look for eating so much. He gave a blissful look to the waiter and the waiter responded with a “Stay away” look. He stayed in the restaurant for hours together but eventually he started integrating with the world and was becoming just like them. He paid the bill, started to leave and was walking towards his home. Someone in the road gave him a brotherly smile but he could not care any less and walked away without responding. He wasn’t fucked up anymore. He had landed to the ground.

Roger's night out

Roger could not handle his drinks well. His head was swirling around and he was trying to make sense of the world. The hostess was talking kindly to him and was perhaps pointing at the dinner table. Maybe she had not realized that he was too drunk to understand he was drunk. "Ofcourse, my dear lady" giving her a smile which could mean anything but most probably did not mean anything. "Oh, what a pleasant Gentleman" thought the hostess. "He did not flirt with me and neither did he stare down my neck. Perhaps I should date him. A nice find!!" she thought while greeting her next guest.

Roger then proceeded to the drinks table. Not because he wanted another drink. He wanted to undrink himself. The bartender was too used to drunks like himself. He pointed out the restroom to Roger. "Thanks my Lord. I will be damned if you are not Jeeves the Butler. You can solve anything. I wanted to undrink myself and you pointed out the restroom!" Roger said. He continued towards the restroom but he was stopped by an anaconda or what he thought was an anaconda. The anaconda seemed to have that Brazilian dirt still hanging around its crease. Now Roger was an immaculately dressed gentleman and could not afford to get his party shirt dirty. He shied away from the anaconda. The anaconda slithered away from Roger as if he was a snake charmer. Snake charmer? Maybe. Or perhaps he was just some uninteresting individual with whom the anaconda had no chance of having any fun. It is anybody's guess that it could have been due to Roger's spectacles which gave the impression that any moment Roger could begin a discourse on some lengthy but inconsequential philosophical debate which hardly anybody else is interested in. It may have been tolerable during normal times but is quite boring during party hours. Anyways, by all accounts, the anaconda just slithered away to its next destination leaving Roger behind to complete his toilet formalities.

Roger decided to take a walk in the park. He was hoping that people did not realize he was finding it difficult to walk in a straight path. He was also finding it difficult to spell things. In this state, he would definitely find it tough to pass the third grade exam. Second grade would have been a breeze but not the third one. He noticed a random stranger singing a song to himself. Roger felt a weird bonding with the random dude as they were fellow co-habitants  of the park at that moment. Roger came close enough to the stranger to make sense of the wordings of the song. "Dont ignore me just cause I m ignorant. Save me from me. I m warning you. Its not best to leave it till its too late. Dont ignore my warning just cause I m an ignorant" went the song. "Makes sense" Roger thought to himself. Quite proud of his analysis of this song, Roger decided he had enough of the walk and went inside to the party hall.

Roger was still an immaculately dressed gentleman sitting in a corner during the function. His brain wasn't functioning too well because he had had one drink too many. The thoughts were getting intertwined and intermingled with one another. He could feel it. He had a feeling that everyone around him thought he was going crazy. And he could not blame them completely either. He was losing control of his faculties. But he wasn't crazy yet and he was not ready to give up yet. Roger knew there was still one last chance for redemption. But he thought that he might be going crazy. He was thinking of the Arabs who weren't too well dressed themselves but they did not leave any opportunity of making fun of him. Rogie Rogie they cried. Roger the Dodger was his nickname. Then the music started. It was slow to begin with, but then it got slower and slower. It got smoother and more refined, like high quality whisky. It got more rhythmic and slower till it got really exhausting. Too exhausting to handle. Till he fell fast asleep, Roger did.

And when he woke up the next morning, he was sober again. Just a slight hangover and embarrassment of sleeping over at someone else's place without notice. After that, there was nothing to write home about. It was just the drudgery of normal sober life. Until the next party happened. But that's another story.

Hahaha

"I am gonna have lot's of fun with you my boy"

"Wha"

"Hahahaha. Oh yes, I am gonna have a good time all right"

"What are you talking about. Dint I just kill myself"

"Yes. You did. And that's why you are with me. Those who kill themselves end up with me. And that will teach you to have killed yourself"

"Is this life after death"

"No. And it is neither heaven nor hell and neither is this judgement day. And nor am I a devil. Though I am something even worse. Haha haha hahahaha"

"Why am I here. My back really hurts"

"You my boy are going to be roasted and boiled like you did to all those eggs and meat. You are going to feel how they felt. Hahaha"

"But I was a vegetarian"

"Were you? Then I may not have done my homework properly. Then lets look at your last days before you killed yourself so brutally. That would be fun, wouldn't it"

"Why are you tormenting me"

"Because I am a tormentor. You have just killed yourself. Thats where I come in. You have done a grave sin by killing yourself and cutting that soul's life short. I have to teach you a great lesson by tormenting you. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. Oh, don't give me that sad look. Come on, we haven't even started already"

"What are you going to do"

"Now, my boy we have the privilege  to watch your life backwards. I love doing this. This way I will get to know you better. Hahaha. Three days before you shot yourself in the head, you in your desperation to stave off your financial crisis, bought a lottery ticket. You checked out the results the next day, found out you had not won anything and then you continued being dejected with life, dint you my boy?"

"Yes"

"Hahahaha. Wouldn't it have been nice had you won the prize dear boy"

"Ofcourse"

"Do you remember that before buying that lottery you met an old beggar in the street and you gave him some change"

"Yes"

"Well, my dearest boy, that nice little gesture of yours lost you a bunch of money. The person who bought the lottery ticket just before you did, won the lottery. Had you not spent that extra time giving money to that beggar, you would have got that winning ticket. Hahahahahahaha. And we would not have been here together Santosh my poor chap"

"Unbelievable. Fate raped me again"

"Hahahahahahaha. Funny! Isn't it boy. It is. It is. It is my boy"

"The first prize was 15 crores. Even after paying my loan I would have had more than enough. I would have had a great life afterwards"

"Oh yes. Absolutely. Have to agree on that. Now lets go further back into your life. When you were 16. You dated this girl for a few months, dint you boy"

"Yes. I remember her. Shweta her name was"

"Yes. She had killer herself too. And she had killed herself because of you Santosh"

"No, she dint. I dint do anything"

"Hahaha. Oh, you poor kid. You give me so much pleasure. Two weeks after you two stopped dating each other she killed herself. She even called you three days before she killed herself. Had you been considerate in that conversation she would have been saved. Instead, you shouted at her and told her to go to hell. Poor girl. She was so obedient. A few days after talking to you, to hell she straight went. And now she must be burning in hell. Hahahahahaha. Oh, am I funny. Hell, yes I am."

"I am sorry"

"Do you know why you dated her"

"I liked her"

"No"

"She was beautiful"

"She was beautiful yes. But that's not why you dated her"

"She was caring"

"No my boy. It was because you were horny and stupid as well. Like any other kid your age. You cost that girl her life but. Do you want to know how she felt before she put fire to herself"

"Yes"

"Now, that's an unusual answer. Most people attempt hitting me and screaming at me by this time. Nevertheless, your words pleases me immensely. You see that girl Santosh. There, about to light that fire. Lets get into her head my boy"

"I am so ugly. So ugly. He hates me. I wore that pink dress when he ditched me. I used to think I look good in that dress. Oh, I am so worthless. I cannot make anyone happy. And nobody can make me happy. Ever. Never. Now light that fire, Now! ....."

"Hahahaha. My poor boy. You are not used to it. Are you not. It was brave of you to have faced this but this is not punishment enough for killing that girl"

"Why did she do..."

"Befuddled you are Santosh. I have more news for you. There is more punishment in store for you. You cant get away with it just like that my boy"

"Now what, I am ready to face it, whatever it is. I deserve the punishment for what I did to her"

"You think you are brave don't you boy. But you were not brave enough to face that world of yours. And you ran away by killing yourself like a fool. Now listen. You think that wife of yours, whom you love so much, was working at office while you were shooting yourself in the head"

"Yes"

"Hahahahahaha. No she was not. She was having mind-blowing sex with her colleague Rajeev. The best sex of her life. Hahahahaha. Hahahahhahahahahahhahhahahahhahaahaha"

"Aaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nooooooooooooo"

"What happened Santosh"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. No. No. No"

"Santosh. Look at me. It's ok. It's just a nightmare. Listen to me"

"Huh. What?"

"It was a nightmare Santosh. A bad dream while you were sleeping. Its Ok Santosh. What is happening to you?"

"Yes Latha. It was a nightmare. Yes"

"What was the nightmare about. It must have been horrible?"

"Nevermind Latha. Nevermind"